The Case for a Relaxing Weekend

Someone sent this to me after a busy week, and it gave me a wee bit of a titter.




Verdict: I must obey. 

The Case for More Expendability

I did not walk into Expendables 2 expecting a terribly thought provoking movie.  It was a film where I expected action, lots of it, machismo (and testiculi), also a lot of that.  And lots of jokes too, both really bad in jokes and plain awful normal ones.

Spoiler Alert time!

 
So it was completely necessary that Liam Hemsworth’s golden, handsome, awesome, soulful, youthful soldier with a girl in Paris and terrible taste in cardigans and whom Sly loves like a son (I presume) be slaughtered within the first 20 minutes.  His “depth of character” was completely distracting in a film where depth should only be measured in the thickness of a man’s biceps (Terry Crews gets to flex a bit to give the film a definite 80s feel) or the size of the wrinkles in a man’s face.  It was therefore completely satisfying when Jean Claude Van Damme kicked a knife into his prideful, youthful chest – and impressive too, considering the difference in stature between the two men.

Yes, JCVD is very much the sun glasses wearing bad guy in this film, though the glasses seem more to hide the dark bags under his eyes than to provide an air of coolness in the dark caverns of the mine which is his normal lair.

But then, all the classic stars are looking a bit haggard (besides Bruce Willis who just looks like himself).  Dolph Lundgren is back again, mocking his intelligence and doctorate and his Lurch-like looks with terrible come on lines and a wild look of barely contained insanity, and he almost wins the “most awesome character” stakes this time around.  Sylvester Stallone is Barney the Boss, looking amazingly vascular and hard as a rock, albeit a rock that has stood several centuries.  And Jason Stratham rounds out the “main” guys, outclassing almost everyone (besides Bruce) with his acting ability and managing to nab Charisma Carpenter somewhere along the way (lucky guy).

Despite the presence of Arnie (stuck to recycling dialogue from his previous movies, and the movies of others), and a brief flurry of martial arts awesomeness from Jet Li, the biggest cheers and the “most awesome character” award went to that block of ginger wood, otherwise known as Chuck Norris.  It’s incredible how little his face moves (and how tiny his eyes are) during any of the few scenes that he is in, and whether this is due to his particular brand of “acting” (known as “rather bad” I think) or to some botox injections, I cannot say.

There are explosions galore, and lots of blood, but the big disappointment for me was how many of the big set pieces were computer generated, and even worse, were very badly computer generated.  It should perhaps be made mandatory to give all of these things to Weta Digital to do, as the terrible ways that planes and helicopters and blood were incorporated into the live scenes were absolutely appalling.

But perhaps that shoddiness was meant to be in line with the cragginess of the leads (Hemsworth definitely could not be considered to be “craggy”), and with the pile of stinking toilet paper that was probably called the script.  Did the writers realise that plutonium does not automatically equal nuclear weapon, or am I just ignorant of how explosive it really is?  Really, the plot makes no sense whatsoever and is laden with as much testosterone-heavy dialogue (though not that much swearing, I noted) as a classic 1980s action flick.  

And of course, because of all that, it completely works.  Well, once Hemsworth is dead anyway.  Once he is gone, and the action gets under way again, there is no time for reflection and any emotion other than anger or rage – as it should be.  There are stops along the way as the guys “bond” over very manly foibles, trade insults, help the oppressed, and destroy large buildings with weapons of various sizes, and there is even a mild hint at a romance, but in general it is lots of guns and fights and blades and CGI blood (again) and everyone is happy. 

The audience was perhaps stereotypical for this film too.  Expendables 2 has been out for a few weeks, but the screening was about three quarters full, with lots of guys in their 20s with their girlfriends along as well, revelling of the macho of the movie and refusing the sit in their allocated seats (I decided it wasn’t worth the argument, though took them on and, on the examination of tickets, got them to move, the expressions on their faces pleading seat-hogging innocence though we all KNOW they took those seats deliberately.

Anyway, despite the lack of cinema etiquette of some of the crowd, the film pleased us all immensely.  It was great to see the old guard back on screen for a bit, showing they still had the spirit if not quite the athleticism they once had.  Except for Stratham, whose oeuvre I may need to investigate now…

Verdict:  It starts off strongly, dips a little, but then picks up again and runs with it right to the end.  Expendables 2 is a huge amount of fun for those who don’t want to be challenged by cinema but would rather just see mindless action and explosions, though it also helps if you don’t expect realism either.  The boys grunt and fight and are as manly as ever, and mock themselves the whole time.  Loads of fun, and it’ll be interesting to see if they all get in the movie ring for a third time.  750 bullets out of 1000.

The Case for a Lunar Realm

Wes Anderson films are always a little off centre and so quite alternative for a mainstream theatre, but nonetheless, I have seen his last two films at Readings and they have played to fairly large, if not full, audiences.

His latest film, Moonrise Kingdom, has had lots of praise lavished upon it and, to cut to the chase, deservedly so.  The story revolved around two kids who run away from home just as a major storm hits the small island on which they live.  So far, so Disney.  But the island is populated with kooky characters played by a very impressive cast, including Frances McDormand, Edward Norton, Bruce Willis and the always awesome (even in Garfield… well, perhaps) Bill Murray.  And adding to the “but”, the two kids are very quirky in themselves, falling into an awkward yet touching love story as they appreciate their mutual oddness.

Every performance is impressive, even if the kids are meant to act fairly sanguine throughout.  There are no hysterics (from the kids at least) even though every main character comes with a sense that something is missing from their lives.  But, despite the monotone of some of the characters and the sadness that they bring with them, the film is awash with colour, quirky visual gags and a strong sense of humour of the absurd kind. 

All of which had the audience I was with cackling away, and even had a few people talking for most of the duration.  Normally, I would cast my pale attempt of a death stare the way of anyone who dares raise their voice for a conversation in a cinema and contemplate all sorts of means of inflicting physical pain upon them, but for some reason, it didn’t annoy me (well, not too much; occasionally) and my companions didn’t notice the conversations at all.  The film is not so intense that such distractions prove detracting, though still common courteousy should have stopped them from continuing to natter quite as much as they did.

And, with an odd but involving soundtrack, we even stayed in the auditorium until the very last part of the credits had finished rolling, all of us with smiles on our faces and a little bit of a bounce in our step.  Uplifting, in a very odd and pleasurable way.

Verdict:  The style of Moonrise Kingdom will not be a surprise to anyone who has seen the Royal Tenenbaums, but this film is a bit more satisfying than the last few Anderson films I have seen, Darjeeling Limited and the Life Aquatic.  The performances are all outstanding, and the central love story completely engaging, and its all… well, pretty wonderful.  9 books on a beach out of 10.

The Case for Old Technology 1

For some reason I thought about this ad from my childhood the other day.

And then, it struck me - cassette tapes?

Verdict: A classic in its time perhaps, but time waits for no ad.  Well, almost no ad.

The Case for Rekallections

For those who remember the 90s Arnie classic, the remake of Total Recall makes a few nods to the original.  All the familiar names are back, and Colin Farrell, as Quaid, has been working out a bit to get a buff bod and wear the Arnie collarless shirt with pride.  Some of the classic scenes are also back, altered slightly to mix things up a little, though I was disappointed that only one arm was severed, and that the arm of a robot.

Because, as much as nods are made to the previous movie, the audience seemed to be largely ignored.  The set up itself is strange.  We swoop down on the planet, dwelling over North America for about a minute, before being told that there are actually now only two places inhabitable on the planet: a place called the Colony, that might once have been Australia but, in some untold (and probably more interesting) story, was invaded by the US and every single person with an Antipodean accent was exterminated, the economy turned to use US currency, and then came an influx of people from the rest of the now uninhabited world.  For some reason, the American overlords renamed the place "Colony", which really does not instill a sense of independence, but then, some people seek to rectify that.

On the other side of the planet is the only other inhabitable place left, part of London.  And I say part of London, as it seems that, if walk down a few streets (or take a very American subway looking Underground train) you end up somewhere completely antithetical to life, which seems to lie somewhere in the East End (perhaps a commentary on London today?).  These two liveable zones are connected by a lift that travels through the core of the planet (quickly, we are told, though there seems to be no effect on gravity except when reaching the very centre of Earth); and even though London appears to be tiny, have no access to resources, and have a labour shortage, it is still economically the dominant force (though quite what Colony's "colony" status means is never fully explained).

So, for a start, I never really bought the set up.  And then things actually happened.  Like Farrell frowning.  A lot.  And running, a lot more.  He has two gorgeous women in his life: Jessica Biel and Kate Beckingsdale.  And he finds himself caught between two political forces, the Chancellor played by Bryan Cranston, and the leader of the resistance played by Bill Nighy.  All of the characters these people play are American (well, at least for some of the time).  Why?  

There are lots of "why" moments in there, unfortunately.  The action sequences are pretty well staged, but I kept asking myself "isn't this from I, Robot?" and "wasn't that in Minority Report?" and "this looks a lot like Blade Runner, doesn't it?"  The introduction of robots to the storyline may be in keeping with the source novel (I couldn't say to be sure), but it seems to be used as a way to increase the "bodycount" while not actually killing anyone - as in the aforementioned disarming scene.  While the human on human fights are incredibly well choreographed, Farrell is constantly "surprised" to find himself an ace fighting machine, and its a discovery that isn't amusing the first time.  

The Arnie version was not the best movie ever made, but it was amusing.  It didn't have the scale of the remake, but it had Mars and Michael Ironside.  It didn't have a very angry Beckingsdale, but it had a bad arse Sharon Stone.  And the original had a heart, whereas at the centre of the remake of Total Recall seems a strange attempt at gravity, and a disregard for anything that mike make sense.

Verdict: I will say this for the new Total Recall: it is an impressive movie to see on the big screen.  In almost every other respect, it is wet, rainy and a bit depressed.  The cast all look good, but they also seem to want to be elsewhere, Farrell at the gym, Beckingsdale fighting lychans, and Cranston making drugs.  And, at the end of the movie, I was wondering if there was some magic machine that show me a more exciting time than this film did.  5 missing lives out of 10.

The Case for Rebirth

The most disappointing thing about the Bourne Legacy is not that Matt Damon isn’t in it.  Because he’s referred to quite a lot, and I quite like Jeremy Renner who is taking on the agent wronged role.  There isn’t a lack of beautiful love interest, with Rachel Wiesz filling those pouty lips admirably.  And its not the cinematography, which is quite stunning, especially in the mountain scenes.  No, its just that it is pretty dull (and I will give some SPOILERS in the below, so you are warned!).

The main characters are kept apart for most of the film, and as we slowly find out how they are going to get together, the awesome Edward Norton shouts a lot about assets and neutralising them and getting eyes and ears everywhere and damage control and a whole lot of stuff that sounds really impressive when shouted out loud but, when it seems to drag on for days, just ends up seeming a trifle silly.  Everything is very serious and grave and awful that might work in a pre-Patriot Act and Guantanamo Bay world, but the idea of agents imbedded in networks around the world surely can’t come as a surprise to anyone so I am not altogether sure what all the panic and trauma is all about.

Meanwhile, Jenner is off being all Grizzly Adams and proving his worth, saving his razor for his chest and keeping the wolves at bay.  When he realises that the legacy of Jason Bourne means that he will be liquidated, its off to find the beautiful scientist to help her to help him, as is always the way.  And as mentioned, this takes up almost an hour of the film.  And it really does not happen all excited-like.

As with all these kinds of films, there are many things that work in favour of the heroes.  The fact the CIA doesn’t seem to have someone with the techno-skills of Penelope Garcia from Criminal Minds who could locate a needle in a gazillion electronic haystacks by cross referencing its library data with its grocery bill and laser telescopes based on the moon means that these two are able to get to elude capture on the continental USA without too much difficulty.  And then, when the evil government forces do catch up with them, it is all on, though for some reason, it seems to be with the one agent of the programme that was not eliminated, though no real reason why this person is so special or was spared is offered.

But for all how fairly… pointless it all seems, and loud, it did keep me mostly entertained.  And, more importantly, it stopped me from disemboweling the two men behind me who talked in their outdoor voices throughout the ENTIRE film.  If only a Jason Bourne clone would come along and liquidate people like that.

Verdict: The Bourne Legacy picks up the baton from the Matt Damon franchise and fumbles it a bit, drops it a couple of times, takes a long time to get to the finish line, but still sort of makes it there.  Half a blue pill from a child proof container.

The Case for Ednable Goodies

I have to admit, it was not my initial idea to go to see Eat, Pray, Laugh, the swansong tour of Barry Humphries in his many guises, but I was very glad that I listened to the recommendation and went along.  Humphries’ creations, in particular Dame Edna Everage, are comedy classics, though their heyday was probably in the 80s.

The audience for the opening night show pretty much lived up to what one would expect, with a whole bunch of Kiwi celebrities (I spotted Rima Te Wiata and Louise Wallace, I believe) in amongst a mainly blue rinse set, with the odd scattering of late teenage kids brought along as well as a few of the more… intermediate members such as myself.  Of course, being a live performance, some people were determined to arrive late, though quite why about 30 people were let in about 15 minutes into the show, obscuring the view of those behind them as they stumbled dazedly around trying to find their seats, I can only blame on a misguided sense of charity.

Our seats were not the cheapest, but we ended up way back in the gods, the Civic theatre in Auckland packed to the rafters (literally) with a crowd that had braved fairly miserable weather to attend.  In the end, our distance from the stage was a bit of a blessing, as those closer in were subject to interrogation and a bit of mockery, not to mention the odd shower of spit.

Les Patterson led the charge, and provided most of the saliva, as the scene opened on a typical Aussie back yard Barbie (though the grass seemed an NZ kind of lush).  With a backing pianist and two couples of stunning backup dancers and singers, Patterson explored what it meant to be a cultural ambassador and connoisseur of cuisine, all from a mildly racist, sexist, Australian perspective.  His early spittage revealed that the front row was populated by a couple of shriekers, whose loud cries could be heard throughout the auditorium, though the tone indicated they kind of enjoyed what they were being subjected to.  A bit of toilet humour, a bit of audience participation, a few songs, and Patterson’s act gave way to some minor characters in Humphries’ backlog, one relying on paedophilic humour (I’m always a bit wary of that sort) and the next not really a funny character at all, though the audience chuckled at the odd mildly amusing reference as a way to get some levity out of the scene.

But, after the half time break, the character we had all come to see was brought on stage on the back of a large elephant, and while the stage was almost bereft of props, the glittering wardrobe, outlandish eyewear, and sheer personality of Dame Edna Everage lit up the entire stage.  The granny beside me definitely lit up at the sight.

Edna’s humour comes from the fact she is a narcissistic and otherwise quite horrible human being, putting everyone down in delightfully demonic ways, always with a smile on her face and with a non-apology afterwards.  An hilarious opening True Hollywood Stories style “whatever happened to Edna?” programme introduced her to the stage, and from there she defended her Al Qaeda connections, then progressed through a few other jokes, before licking her lips, sharpening her claws, eyeing the audience greedily and then launching in to attack her true prey – us.

And she was devastating.  Scorn was heaped on people at the back, in the cheap seats, but the real trauma was saved for those in the front row whom she found fascinating.  Up on stage a quartet were hauled, mauled and then shawled, before being returned to their seats for the grand, gladiola-filled finale.  

The great thing about humiliating the audience is that it does not rely on external references.  A lot of the material was, unsurprisingly, based on Australian knowledge and experiences, and so while I understood a lot of it, some of the barbs were completely unpointed for me.  Humphries is a smart cookie though, and there were several local references woven into the material.  However, the audience provided the funniest moments of the night, and sometimes Humphries ignorance of things Kiwi was bliss, such as when the audience members started talking about towns like Levin, as no one can roll her eyes like Edna, and even from the back of the room, we could feel the massive amounts of distaste packed in to the small pauses between her responses.

Humphries finished the night with a “personal” appearance, thanking everyone coming to his final tour  - until the next one of course.  It was a lovely way to finish the evening, and to congratulation the man who has created such quintessentially Australian characters, and who provided such a wonderful performance on an otherwise quite horrible evening.

Verdict: Eat, Pray, Laugh scored a few more misses amongst the hits than I would have expected, but Humphries’ mastery of classic putdowns, humour from new situations, and of the mild mockery of those who have paid to come see him made the evening a fun-filled affair.  The staging of the show itself might not have been particularly special, but the show itself glittered and shone like one of Dame Edna’s most bejewelled frocks.  7 diamantes out of 10.