The Case for More Expendability

I did not walk into Expendables 2 expecting a terribly thought provoking movie.  It was a film where I expected action, lots of it, machismo (and testiculi), also a lot of that.  And lots of jokes too, both really bad in jokes and plain awful normal ones.

Spoiler Alert time!

 
So it was completely necessary that Liam Hemsworth’s golden, handsome, awesome, soulful, youthful soldier with a girl in Paris and terrible taste in cardigans and whom Sly loves like a son (I presume) be slaughtered within the first 20 minutes.  His “depth of character” was completely distracting in a film where depth should only be measured in the thickness of a man’s biceps (Terry Crews gets to flex a bit to give the film a definite 80s feel) or the size of the wrinkles in a man’s face.  It was therefore completely satisfying when Jean Claude Van Damme kicked a knife into his prideful, youthful chest – and impressive too, considering the difference in stature between the two men.

Yes, JCVD is very much the sun glasses wearing bad guy in this film, though the glasses seem more to hide the dark bags under his eyes than to provide an air of coolness in the dark caverns of the mine which is his normal lair.

But then, all the classic stars are looking a bit haggard (besides Bruce Willis who just looks like himself).  Dolph Lundgren is back again, mocking his intelligence and doctorate and his Lurch-like looks with terrible come on lines and a wild look of barely contained insanity, and he almost wins the “most awesome character” stakes this time around.  Sylvester Stallone is Barney the Boss, looking amazingly vascular and hard as a rock, albeit a rock that has stood several centuries.  And Jason Stratham rounds out the “main” guys, outclassing almost everyone (besides Bruce) with his acting ability and managing to nab Charisma Carpenter somewhere along the way (lucky guy).

Despite the presence of Arnie (stuck to recycling dialogue from his previous movies, and the movies of others), and a brief flurry of martial arts awesomeness from Jet Li, the biggest cheers and the “most awesome character” award went to that block of ginger wood, otherwise known as Chuck Norris.  It’s incredible how little his face moves (and how tiny his eyes are) during any of the few scenes that he is in, and whether this is due to his particular brand of “acting” (known as “rather bad” I think) or to some botox injections, I cannot say.

There are explosions galore, and lots of blood, but the big disappointment for me was how many of the big set pieces were computer generated, and even worse, were very badly computer generated.  It should perhaps be made mandatory to give all of these things to Weta Digital to do, as the terrible ways that planes and helicopters and blood were incorporated into the live scenes were absolutely appalling.

But perhaps that shoddiness was meant to be in line with the cragginess of the leads (Hemsworth definitely could not be considered to be “craggy”), and with the pile of stinking toilet paper that was probably called the script.  Did the writers realise that plutonium does not automatically equal nuclear weapon, or am I just ignorant of how explosive it really is?  Really, the plot makes no sense whatsoever and is laden with as much testosterone-heavy dialogue (though not that much swearing, I noted) as a classic 1980s action flick.  

And of course, because of all that, it completely works.  Well, once Hemsworth is dead anyway.  Once he is gone, and the action gets under way again, there is no time for reflection and any emotion other than anger or rage – as it should be.  There are stops along the way as the guys “bond” over very manly foibles, trade insults, help the oppressed, and destroy large buildings with weapons of various sizes, and there is even a mild hint at a romance, but in general it is lots of guns and fights and blades and CGI blood (again) and everyone is happy. 

The audience was perhaps stereotypical for this film too.  Expendables 2 has been out for a few weeks, but the screening was about three quarters full, with lots of guys in their 20s with their girlfriends along as well, revelling of the macho of the movie and refusing the sit in their allocated seats (I decided it wasn’t worth the argument, though took them on and, on the examination of tickets, got them to move, the expressions on their faces pleading seat-hogging innocence though we all KNOW they took those seats deliberately.

Anyway, despite the lack of cinema etiquette of some of the crowd, the film pleased us all immensely.  It was great to see the old guard back on screen for a bit, showing they still had the spirit if not quite the athleticism they once had.  Except for Stratham, whose oeuvre I may need to investigate now…

Verdict:  It starts off strongly, dips a little, but then picks up again and runs with it right to the end.  Expendables 2 is a huge amount of fun for those who don’t want to be challenged by cinema but would rather just see mindless action and explosions, though it also helps if you don’t expect realism either.  The boys grunt and fight and are as manly as ever, and mock themselves the whole time.  Loads of fun, and it’ll be interesting to see if they all get in the movie ring for a third time.  750 bullets out of 1000.