The Case for Airline Attendees

A few weeks ago now, I mentioned that I would start up another taxonomy of people, this time for air travellers.

As much as all people are different, there are people who, in certain situations, conform to a set of habits that seem to be shared by a whole lot of others out there. Book fairs are rife with people who go in with certain agendas and who organise themselves in particular ways, and so sitting back and watching them (or being shoved out of the way by them) is a fascinating study in human behaviour.

I get a similar sense of wonder when I sit back and watch others on planes. By "watching others", I don't mean ogling or anything (though I won't claim that I don't do a bit of that as well). I actually mean watching what people do and how they behave. And some types of behaviour you see on almost every flight.

Getting on board

The Troublesome Checkin

I have had my own lengthy check ins, due to baggage weight or issues with connections, but by "troublesome", I really mean that the person behind the desk and the traveller end up in some kind of loop discussion about some minor issue, or else some fairly major one, that one party seems incapable of fully comprehending. This is definitely the case where many cooks spoil the broth, as a family of Troublesome Checkins or meeting a Troublesome Checkin officer behind the counter can take exponentially more time to get their issue resolved than a one-on-one issue. Lesson to learn here: get to the airport early.

The Metallica

Some people obviously do not realise that jet travel these days requires a scan through a metal detector. These are the people who decide to wear and carry every piece of metal that they have ever owned, and then get all perplexed and flustered when asked to remove said objects before stepping through the scanner. This is not a new phenomenon: see the person removing his artificial limbs in the Flying High spoof to see how this behaviour has been with us since air travel first flirted with security.

The OverheadHogger

It says when you enter a plane that you only have one piece of hand luggage. Unless you happen to have a handbag as well. Or have a lap top. Or have bought some duty free. Or... well, for whatever reason, some people board with a ludicrous number of bags. This in itself is not so much a problem, if they are small and discrete and don't take up too much room. But the worst offenders tend to have the biggest bags filled as much voluminous material as they can find. I try and carry as few bags as I can even if that meant one bag was laden with a tonne load of books (though I never do that now, airline internet big brothers out there...).

The Whosdat?

There are some fascinating people who board planes. I have seen some short Australian MTV people, some All Blacks or former thereof, some politicians, some stunners, some shockers and some who draw attention to themselves by what they say and do in as loud a manner as possible. And then, of course, there are the people who strain their necks to see them all. And yes, I can be one of them.

The NotSorryI'mLate

Their names have resounded through the terminal dozens of times, and on board the plane, people have settled and noticed the door remains open and the gangway extended. Slowly, a tardy person strolls on board, eyes the rest of the passengers with disdain, ambles down the aisle to their seat, mutters about not having enough overhead locker room for their 5 bags, and then eventually settles into their chair as everyone else's eyes burrow holes into their souls. I can forgive those who apologise for their late arrival, but for those who claim it as their right, I hope the attendants spit in their coffee.

In flight

The UnAttendant

Some people hate being told what to do. Even on a plane, where there is not a lot of space and there are some fairly special rules around seatbelts being fastened and chair backs being upright, there are still the odd few who will take the time to disagree with the attendant or else be fairly uncooperative. This type used to be seen more frequently a few years ago, but I think the rise of the armed Air Marshall has caused the sharp decline in unruly passenger behaviour.

The FirstTimers

For everything, there is a first time. Some people who board planes never actually make it to the air (fantastic news for those on the plane who have to wait for that person's bags to be unloaded - yes, I have been on one of those flights), but for those who do, the experience is new and exciting and some of these people need to express it. But for the more seasoned traveller, this kind of thing can get a bit wearisome, especially after 10 hours in the air. A future warning: were we sitting near each other if I were ever to be upgraded to business class, or heaven forbid first class, you would not hear the end of it.

The Notgoodenuff

Some airlines are lousy. Some of the food is bad. But there are some people who seem to expect the cattle class experience to be the same staying in a luxurious first class hotel. The movies may be bad, or the food might not quite be what one expected (if one does not order a specific meal), and this is all to be expected - but those who complain long and loudly about this are obviously missing the point. Economy class is the MacDonald's of the air; you want five course dining and cinelounge seats, you should pay for Business or First Class.

The Imbibers.

Though it is becoming rarer these days, free alcohol is all they see.

Disembarking

The Miss Dabus

This is for me one of the most fascinating times: watching the herd get ready to leave the plane. As soon as they plane lands (and before the unbelt seat sign is extinguished), you can hear the click of a hundred-odd belts unfastening, and only the most sheep-doggish of attendants can keep people from remaining in their seats until the plane has come to a complete stop. Then it is all hands to overhead lockers and people swamp the aisle, anxiously waiting for the doors to open. Noses meet armpits, personal space is invaded, there is much sighing and tapping of toes. And then, once the door opens, it takes forever for those at the rear of the plane to see any forward momentum. But still, standing up and getting ready will get you to the terminal that much quicker - where, of course, you then have to wait for your bags to arrive. Me, I take the time to read a bit more and avoid moving as long as possible, which is why I now try and get a window seats on short-haul flights at least. To be honest, watching these eager sheep was the inspiration behind this posting.

The Widther

Some people may not have shoulders as broad as the Hulk, but somehow, when disembarking the plane, they seem to be able to take up the whole width of a corridor that could really comfortably fit three shoulder to shoulder. These individual widthers tend to move at a glacial pace, normally as these people tend to be nearing the end of their second century of existence here on Earth. Eventually, these people may realise that they are holding up foot traffic, but registration can come a bit slowly when one has been on a plane for 14 hours. After one hour, the excuse is not as valid.

The DutyFreeOnly

There are some people who fly who seem to be there purely for the purchase of duty free alcohol and cigarettes. Amongst those who are first off the plane, these people spend as much time as possible in the duty free store before collecting their bags, burdened with lists and local liquor and cancer stick import limits. They may be in a country for only a few days, but they don't want to remember a single moment of it that did not involve some spirit, and then on the way back they have to buy more, though this time for the cabinet at home.

The LastminuteFormers

Before going through customs, it is highly likely a form will need to be completed. In general, airlines give these to you before you land. But this does not stop some people from waiting to fill them out basically at the passport control desk. This causes quite a bit of delay of course as these people try to remember how to spell their 27-character first name.

Verdict: Until matter transmission becomes a reality, or I gain a pretty cool super power, I will need to fly with other people. So it is helpful to know the types of people who will be up in the air with me. And perhaps, to identify those I should try and avoid, both to be with, and to be. Some volcanic ash out of a European sky.