The Case for Pest Control

When we last left the Predator family, they were parked in orbit around Earth, ready to head back to the planet Koosbain. Fade in to the ship still around Earth, a domestic dispute leading to several dismemberments, some bitter clicks exchanged, and a delay to departure. Which is just as well really, as an Alien has snuck on board in the guise of a Predator, and is on everyone’s nerves. So the driver turns the spaceship uncontrollably back towards Earth.

Meanwhile, on the planet Koosbain, the deaf grandmother Predator is waiting for the family to come home. She is alone in her retirement village as everyone else on the entire planet has gone off to the Rugby 7s. So she is the only one there to pick up the call from her highly irritated family (luckily, the message service flashes as well as rings), and she decides to head off to Earth to give that pesky Alien-Predator hybrid a good piece of her mind, without leaving a note for anyone …

And thus begins the latest chapter in the filmic Aliens / Predator saga, Alien v Predator: Requiem. Actually, I think a more accurate description of this film is "Alien v Predator: Springfield", as most of the action takes place in a small American town with its own power plant (possibly nuclear) filled with stereotypical caricatures of people in your neighbourhood. They also borrowed heavily from the some of the action sequences in Aliens, sometimes almost shot for shot, which one could consider “homage”, though it could also be considered laziness.

I know, I know. Mocking this film is really like shooting fish in a barrel. I really did not expect a great deal out of this film and luckily, with a person beside me willing to put up with my sarcastic comments all the way through the film, I can at least say I was entertained.

The humans really were canon fodder: Homer took Lisa out on a hunting trip (I wonder what she learned?); Chief Wiggum lasted longer than I thought he would; the Criminal guy recently released from prison proved to be the “hero” of the flick; the misunderstood “Bart” character at least had a very hot woman throw herself at him before they were separated by death; soldier Marge (very much the Ripley of this film; she even got to drive an APC) steadfastly protected her little Maggie; and I am sure the obnoxious bully pointed to a person and laughed “Ha ha” at least once during the 95 minute running time.

There were some innovative (and quite disturbing) “Alien in the Maternity Ward” shinanegans, some (to my mind) misplaced faith in bullet-proof vests, some unconvincing moral dilemmas (lasting 10 seconds maximum) for the military big wigs, a Krull death (hopefully someone will get that reference), and a very cryptic (to the point of nonsensical) mystery villain appearance at the end.

But, with a willing ear beside me not averse to me making comments all the way through the film, the film passed smoothly enough. The “human element” was just a distraction. I was there for some Alien on alien brawling barbarity with the odd explosion and, through the darkness and obscurity, I think I occasionally glimpsed some of that. Here’s hoping there isn’t another sequel, as I will be forced to go see that too…

Verdict: So bad, but just bad. Just one flayed human skull out of five. An extra skull is awarded if one provides one’s own commentary a la Mystery Science Theatre 3000.