I did not go into G I Joe: Retaliation expecting a masterpiece. The first one was rubbish, but a load of fun, so I presumed I would get more of the same.
And the sequel lived up to that promise, helped in no small part by the ability of Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson (as Roadblock) and Bruce Willis (as a hard-nosed General) to make barely coherent macho characters entertaining (Willis does have off days though, as his powers evidently failed him in the last Die Hard). They both have a knowing smirk and a swagger and seem to be okay with having a laugh at themselves (who would really want to mess with the Rock?) and that translates well in this kind of film where everyone is given very little to work with, so on screen charisma counts a lot towards making a character memorable.
While Channing Tatum as Duke has a back story from the last movie on which to found his character, newcomers Adrienne Palecki (as Lady Jaye) and D J Contra (as Flint) are unable to rise above the material to really make impressions – though from some of the stills that come over the end credits, any interesting parts to their backstories may have ended up on the editing room floor, so it may not be entirely the actors’ faults.
The story, such as it is, is pure macho flag waving nonsense: after violating another sovereign nation’s territory, the Joe team is framed by the evil organisation Cobra and end up on the run. With Cobra intent on taking over the world, the Joe team makes its way back to the United States to try and save their country – and the rest of the planet – from Cobra’s evil clutches.
Amongst all that, there is a side story involving lots of martial arts and the redemption of an evil figure. Unfortunately, the whole thing feels plucked out of a Hong Kong martial arts film (not that there is anything wrong with that) rather than a gun-heavy, bare-knuckle American manly men flick. This particular plotline does itself no favours by having RZA as a pompous blind sensei who tends to spout exposition rather than anything terribly enlightening.
A few spoilers in here: North Korea is the butt of quite a few jokes in this film (makes a change from the French I suppose), though from the looks of it, everyone in the world has the same technologically advanced “suitcase of death” technology, even if the cases themselves are made by different fashion houses. Other things I learned from this film: megalomaniacal super geniuses and their henchmen are kept alive rather than executed, and no expense is spared to keep them that way; with the spare parts from an old 386 computer, one can build a super-fast genetic scanner that has access to every database on the planet; the Rock is contractually obliged to wear an Under Armour spandex muscle shirt in every action film in which he appears (check out Fast Five; no one else seems to be); Israel does have nuclear weapons (though Pakistan does not?); and the destruction of millions of Europeans isn’t as newsworthy as a G I Joe medal presentation.
But it is very hard to complain much about the film, as the silliness and inconsistencies are kind of what I was expecting in the first place. There was nothing that appeared to me worth seeing in 3D (as I went to a 2D session), especially when one lady behind me screamed at almost anything so I don’t think she could have handled anything whizzing by her had she attended a different session. But it was great to see an entertaining Willis (redeemed!) and an always jovial Johnson (he is awesome) and his Roadblock’s not-entirely awkward interactions with Tatum’s Duke. Plus lots of things exploded! Yay.
Verdict: G I Joe: Retaliation seems a bit of a Frankenstein’s monster of a movie, with bits bolted together (and others chopped off) to make a whole that doesn’t look particularly even in tone or pacing, but, given the context of a movie based on a Hasbro toy, kind of works. If the cartoons had plots which made more sense, that’s just because… well, because. 6.5 Yo Joes out of 10.
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