The Case for Twilight's End

Okay, I have now gone and seen all the of Twilight films.  From episode 1 to 4, I have gone to the cinema, made something of an event of it each time, and come away feeling exactly the same thing, “That was a terrible movie”. And the fifth film, Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2 did not let me down in is dreadfulness.

 

Everyone knows the basic plot: A dour, sullen girl meets a dour, sullen guy at high school and they have an instant attraction because of their mutual dour sullenness.  Bella soon discovers that she is in love with Edward, an immortal Vampire, one who refrains from munching on humans and who sparkles in sunlight and lives with a bunch of other Vampires, all very good looking, wealthy and smugly superior.  In turn, they all find Bella intriguing in a way that defies anyone watching the film, whilst in the background Jacob, a young werewolf gets all buff and keeps taking his shirt off in the hopes of luring Bella into his muscular arms but only wins in earning the lust of the audience.

There is much to-ing and fro-ing as Edward tries to convince Bella that he is all wrong for her and the life of a super powerful, incredibly attractive immortal is not all it is cracked up to be, but despite some incredibly manipulative hypnosis and the odd attack by less patronising creatures of the night, both she and he decide that they actually should be together and, come film four, have an overwrought wedding filled with the mildly bored faces of people that these two have ignored for most of their lives.  Then they head off for a honeymoon on a sun-drenched tropical beach resort where Edward can twinkle all he likes and where Bella finally convinces him to go all abusive spouse on her and inflict some domestic abuse on her.

Pregnancy instantly ensues in the good Mormon way of the world, and the baby, being the unholy alliance of a coupling between an Undead and an Emotional Black Hole, rapidly sets about killing Bella – which finally gives Edward the excuse to turn her into a Vampire.  And so, along comes film five, to finish off the tale.

The film opens with a long, dull credits sequence over the snowy hills and vales of Washington (I believe) and goes on… and on… and on.  It’s good in a way, as it’s a preview of how the following film drags its heels at almost every turn.  Newly turned Vampire Bella goes out hunting in a super speed yet incredibly tedious chase of terrible special effects and then encounters her freaky child, ludicrously named Renesme, whose digitally enhanced features are both awful and unintentionally terrifying.  Jacob feels a strong attraction to “Nessie” in a way that is very child molestery, made even more disturbing by the creepy electronic animation of her wide eyed, emotionless face.  Bella has more of a problem with the fact Jacob calls her daughter Nessie with the possible paedophilia, but soon that care is swept aside as the evil Vampire Volturi take an interest in the child and raise forces to destroy what they see as a threat to their existence.

In some films, this rising menace could be a call to action and intrigue.  But not this one.  It appears the Volturi are in no rush, so Bella and her Cullen clan have time to go around the world and find all sorts of stereotypes and clichés for allies and bring them back to their home to bear witness to any Volturi injustice – though of course, the idea is really that they will all fight together.  I was not entirely sure why the Cullens take their expensive cars while every other Vampire on the planet just runs everywhere, but eventually we are introduced to Vampires on both sides with all sorts of strange and wondrous and ultimately pointless powers when the Cullens and the Volturi face off in the final confrontation.

Therein lies the most exciting part of the film AND NOW I WILL ACTUALLY GIVE AWAY SPOILERS SO, IF YOU CARE, LOOK AWAY.
 
Every cinema goer held their breath when the battle began, some crying as their beloved characters had their heads removed from their body in a bloodless, Barbie decapitating “pop”; others, such as myself, revelling in the carnage as character for which I care little or openly revile met a grizzly yet timely death.  Evil met their fate; some of the goodies made the ultimate sacrifice, Edward and Bella fought side by side…

… and then the dream ended.  Yes, it was all a dream, a possible future, and, in the reality, nothing was going to happen except the two sides agree to walk away.  The audience I was with literally yelled at the screen, not with a sigh of relief (well maybe one or two), but of disgust that the most interesting part of the film was actually not going to be a “real” part at all.  The howls of protest took several minutes to die down, during which time completely mindless drivel dialogue was spoken and the wrap up of the non story began.

And there were several of these, with possible future gazings and meaningful flower field conversations and one of the most painful “these were the stars” closing credit slide shows, presenting every character in no matter which film they appeared or how completely inconsequential their role.  I decided to “boo” Kirsten Stewart when the image of her wan smile and dead eyes finally appeared on the screen, and no one bothered to disagree with me.

There are so many things one can criticise about this film (and many people have) that I could go on and on, more than I have.  But its also a bit like shooting fish in a barrel, as the whole series is one tragic film after another, so it is no surprise that the fifth film is as bad, if not worse, than the rest.  There are a few lines that raise a titter (some even intended), and it is fun (in a way) seeing the actors struggle to find anything inspirational or motivational about their characters and the dialogue they are required to utter.  Jacob’s obligatory strip scene is almost painful in its execution (I think it is meant to be awkward, but still) and Bella’s interactions with everybody are as cold and lacking in charm and grace as any she had when she had a pulse. 

Vampirism is sold as the ultimate American Sorority or Fraternity, an exclusive club that holds many rewards at the expense of others and almost no downsides (like being a soulless undead).  I suppose it could be seen an allegory for extreme capitalism or a view of the way the West has exploited the rest of the world in the past, but I think the real reasoning is much more primary school than all that. 

At any rate, the final Twilight film came and, slowly, went.  I enjoyed it in that I knew I would hate it, and so I was also kind of glad when the “pleasant surprise” of the battle proved to be a red herring and so was actually not a highlight of the film.  This way, I was able to say it was utter nonsense, and walked away from the screening with a smile on my face, complaining merrily about how bad the film was, and then thinking that, while this series is now over, the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy will soon fill that bad movie gap.

Verdict:  Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 2 is really not geared for me, but then I knew that going in, and so it won’t come as a surprise if I rate it lowly.  Seriously though, Stewart, Pattinson and Lautner all look bored stupid; only Martin Sheen seems to have any fun but then he is allowed to take the mickey of the film.  The twist is a huge shock in that it comes, not as a relief, but as a major disappointment; but again, in a way that is good, ending the series on a low point rather than as a revelation.  5 Renesmes out of 10.