[An article I'd like to see]
Auckland: Enthusiastic crowds were disappointed last night by the All Black performance last night, as the New Zealand team beat the French convincingly but with a distinct lack of wardrobe malfunctions.
Adidas, supplier of the All Black jersey to the team, have launched into an official enquiry at their Advanced Apparel Research Unit (AAARU) in China, trying to track down the reason why none of their skin-tight tops disintegrated under the harsh lights of the rugby stadium or under the physical stress of the game itself.
"At least one shirt per match is designed to encounter major structural integrity issues, necessitating a mid-match change into a shirt even tighter than the one previously worn", said Lolo Ferari, head of Sports and Strippers Clothing Development (ASSCD). "With his impressive physique and loyal female following, Sonny Bill Williams was chosen the first All Black to be provided with a rippable shirt, and it failed precisely as and when anticipated."
"The New Zealand game against France was the 100th All Blacks game for the team captain, Richie McCaw, and he also has a large female following. So we had planned to supply him with a shirt riddled with structural problems that would disintegrate around half time. However, on the night, it failed to function - or misfunction, as the case may be."
Die hard Richie McCaw fan, Shirley DaLoon, was devastated by the game.
"After Sonny Bill Williams' shirtless moment, I knew that Adidas would supply those shirts to other members of the team too. I'm sure Dan Carter's will fail at the final, but I was really hoping Richie's would rip on his 100th cap."
Ms DaLoon has not given up hope. "I have bought tickets to every All Blacks game, and I will be prowling town after every match to see if I can track down Richie. Perhaps he'll have to change his shirt in the semi-finals."
Adidas' AARU have reassured the company and the broadcasters of the Rugby World Cup games that more All Blacks will be forced to undress on the field during their matches.
"New Zealand Woman's Monthly sales quadrupled on the back of Sonny Bill Williams' front," said Mr Ferari, "and CLOUD coverage was picked up by every major news network and shown throughout the world. And the whole stripping incident has become a YouTube sensation. Needless to say, despite the fact that the failure indicated that our clothes are crap, Adidas stocks have also soared."
The head of Nike Top Research and Development has been forced to resign when her company's own jersey flaws only resulted in the numbers on the back of the shirts falling off.
Verdict: I am actually quite enjoying watching the Rugby World Cup games at the moment, as long as I can avoid all the marketing and nauseating media coverage outside of the games themselves. While the hype and hooplah surrounding the Rugby Union has developed from what it was 20 years ago in a way that only seems to cheapen the brand even as it popularises it, even I can't deny that the games themselves are exciting to watch. And sometimes, there is a half time stripper as well. Now that is catering to every audience. 14 a side out of 15.
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Oh, and something a bit retro: I always loved this Ren and Stimpy clip, though whoever was holding the camera when they copied this should really have just put the thing down:
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