The Case for a Meaty Breakfast

The NZ Herald is reporting that Breakfast, without Paul Henry, is on a ratings slide. Well, of course it is.

Part (and I would imagine most) of the fun of watching Breakfast must have come from what shock jock Henry would actually say. Without his mouthy, unpredictable presence, there is less reason to tune in, as the bland and banal opinions and stories that normally fill the normal Breakfast show are no longer as interesting now there is not someone to offend guests or well known celebrities.

Now then is the time for action. Rather than just sitting in sanctimonious judgement, I am actually going to be proactive. My suggestion: rebrand Breakfast and make it an extremist piece of early morning television. But who would be the ideal person(s) to host this show? There are so many to choose from.

First off, I would have to suggest Mr Anti-Asia himself, Winston Peters. He may think he has some political life left, but let’s keep him out of parliament (please) and put him somewhere we he can do far more damage: the televisual medium. Imagine him interviewing the Prime Minister: no chummy-chummy conversations there – it would be constant attack and grandstanding, and perhaps the PM would get a word in from time to time. Political commentary in general would take a huge leap… somewhere. And think of all the anti big business antics / scandals / innuendo with the resulting hype that would generate? Plus, consider the built in Grey Power viewing audience? What would there be to lose, besides TVNZ’s dignity?

Secondly, TVNZ could try Brian Tamaki as lead anchor. He has years of experience on screen, is masterly groomed, and he could bring along his own off-sider in the form of his wife. He would hit the ground running, and run the sinners to the ground. Again, he would come in with his own built-in following, and he would have no trouble with the more tawdry aspects of having to hawk junk, so that could come over from the extended infomercial that is Good Morning. There may be a few problems with him interviewing guests, as would they need to be told whether to call him “Mister”, “Pastor” or “Bishop” (the latter could get confusing and/or tricky should he be interviewing the Anglican or Catholic clergy) or perhaps just “Bri”, but just imagine what he would say around Chris Carter’s antics or how he could offend the Pope! And, should Pippa or his wife be unavailable, adding the recently half-outed Alison Mau to the presenting line up should add an air of tension that would make riveting television viewing.

Speaking of “the Chairman”, Mau is another option for the role, as she has been known to get up on her pedestal for a self serving rant or two. She is everywhere on One at the moment, and so would make the perfect accompaniment to yet another programme that I don’t watch but love to complain about.

Another option is to get back to New Zealand’s (mythological) “traditional grass roots hero”, as Andy Hayden is a sporting icon who has had a dabbling with media controversy recently. His mouth may be big, but so is the man himself, so where verbal sparring lets him down, I am sure Hayden could just smack a guest over. Who wouldn’t be entertained by him and Guyon Espiner coming to literal blows discussing politics? And of course the Rugby World Cup itself gives extra weight to Hayden’s claim, considering how all out TVNZ will go with the coverage and random connections to the sporting festivities, and it would give Hayden plenty of opportunity to share reminiscences of his sporting past, his opinions on the game, women, and anything else that may pop into his mind.

Following on from the “violence begets ratings” tack, there is of course prodigal son Tony Vietch out there, slowly being rehabilitated into media society. A spot chairing the Breakfast table would be a way for him to put his talents to good use… well, to use anyway. With years of history at TVNZ hosting several shows and hobnobbing with sporting legends, Vietch would bring a huge amount of experience to the role and connections that would serve Breakfast well, especially in the lead up to the Rugby World Cup. And, from memory, there are no stairs on set.

As a master of bright attire, and a man familiar with dancing on television, Rodney Hide could be another contender. A man of bubbly enthusiasm also renowned for the odd bout of foot in mouth disease, he may not have Henry’s media experience but he is a survivor (kind of) of the slings and arrows of the political arena, which should hold him in fairly good stead, and I am sure he would relish the chance to lay into politicians and bust their perks from the safety of the patented TVNZ Double Standards Interviewer’s Throne (The TVNZ D-SIT™). There would also be the extra tension around whether or not Hide will drop his Breakfast partner on their head.

The Mad Butcher would be an outside choice. Sure, sport would tend to be dominated by League news, but he has plenty of conviction and a quite distinct television personality. I am not altogether sure how well his kind of yelling at the camera would work with a co-host though, but we would always know which cuts of meat are on special.

For someone I would actually watch, you could not go past Georgina Beyer. Ex MP, ex Mayor, and ex a lot of other things too, she is an incredible speaker, passionate, intelligent and would come with a point of view that would be fascinating, shaped by her experiences and, I would imagine, would be the exact antithesis of Mr Henry. But, as I write this, I realise how unlikely it would be: while any interview with those of redder necks could turn into a battle of wills and wits (my money would be on Ms Beyer 9 times out of 10), the level of intellectual discourse might be a bit much for the early morning audience who might just prefer tits, arse and retarded jokes instead.

Verdict: I think I have this casting thing down pat and will be offering my observant eye to the makers of the Hobbit to find the perfect fit-for-role cast for whom expensive makeup would be kept to a minimum. TVNZ has the chance to really grasp New Zealand’s untapped Fox News market by rebranding Breakfast as the place for offensive opinion in New Zealand. TVNZ does not need to hide behind any “it’s what New Zealanders are privately thinking” nonsense, but rather embrace the concept of employing a controversial figure specifically to generate ratings, and to do so unapologetically. I probably wouldn’t watch the show any more than I do now, but at least TVNZ and those watching Breakfast can be honest about why they are watching and making the show. 7 “Fair and Balanced” Fox News Alerts out of 10.