The Case for Newsworthiness

Many moons ago on this blog, I wrote about the joys I had experienced watching the news service on Triangle Television / Stratos. The ability to view Al Jazeera International, or view highlights packages from French, German, Dutch, Esperanto and several other news services from around the world, was a breath of fresh air in the stale, smug atmosphere that is the state of the televised news services in New Zealand.

Unfortunately, once I moved from the hills to the valley and sorted out Freeview HD, I learned one very depressing fact: Stratos / Triangle TV is not on one of the channels offered. I wrote an e-mail to the company, asking when they might be broadcasting on terrestrial to complement the satellite Freeview service they currently offer, but the response was that they just did not have the money to do so. And so I cried a little.

And, at around 6.00pm each day, during the first few moments of 3 News or (shudder) the Wy-Si show over on One, I am almost brought to tears again. First, the opening headlines flash before me, an epileptic flurry of images set to the music of tragic puns, asinine rhetorical questions and nauseating appeals to my sense of patriotism. Seconds after this assault to the senses begins, it is over, to be replaced by two automatons, well coiffed and attired, smiling knowingly and condescendingly at the camera, knowing what I want to know, determined to deliver it in language littered with alliteration, gross generalisations, inappropriate pauses and obscure colloquialisms, yet still managing to dumb down the stories to the point that the pictures tell a thousand words that never seem to even occur to the presenter.

It is at around 6.02pm then that my hand subconsciously reaches for the remote control, and flicks the channel over to Neighbours or some other show that at least admits to being insulting to ones intelligence. I occasionally put my foot down (figuratively speaking) when there is a story that I think I really need to see, and my conscious mind wrestles back motor control so that I can once more watch the chosen news service. But more often than not, I thank my subconscious for its good thinking, and find myself something else to view or do instead.

To be fair, terrestrial Freeview does have other news services on offer: Prime has their brief bulletin at 5.30pm which, for almost anyone who takes public transport from work will tell you, is about as useful as being told what today's weather was at least twice during a news bulletin; over on TVNZ7, the basic bulletin is informative but it appears that this service is deliberately kept as dull as possible so that it will never be able to rise from its humble origins to rival the great and powerful One News flagship; whilst Maori television's news service seems to wear its political heart on its sleeve and almost everywhere else on the presenter's outfit, which is honest but does not always make for the most informative news reporting. And of course, BBC World Service does play overnight on TVNZ, but the hours between 2 and 6 am are not really the most conducive to appreciating the big news items of the day - and, for the life of me, why BBC World can't be shown on its own separate Freeview channel here seems criminal.

I remember back when 3 News was not stuck up its own buttocks trying so desperately to be taken seriously, when it had a set that was stuck in a walk in wardrobe rather than one that looked like it was cannibalised from a surgical lab set up in the back of a lorry for an episode of CSI, and when it had a sense of fun about it all. I have never been the biggest fan of One News, but at least, once upon a time, it didn't pretend that it was young and hip. One News was (is?), in fact, the default setting for a lot of people who either couldn't use - or couldn't be bothered to use (and yes, this is a reference to the sad fact 3 News is better watched when Home & Away precedes it) - a remote control, or who found John Campbell's "young and hip" over-enthusiasm on the other side exactly what they did not want to see. I am sorry: Simon Dallow may be a lovely person but, bless him (in my most patronising tone), he is as square as his jaw and as bland as dry weetbix, and my money would have to be on Hillary "no holds barred" Barry should there ever be a trans-network boxing bout.

And of course, I can barely control myself when I think of the shining beacon of liberal insanity that was the Daily Show, my preferred news programme, and how C4 threw it away to spend all its money on quality programming like Plastic Surgery Tragedy of Love.

And so - and back to the beginning - these are the reasons that I miss Stratos, and why my eyes fill with tears almost every day. I raise my pleas to the heavens and point to the soulless bodies of the "A Team" news presenters from both of the main networks as proof that I am being punished and that I deserve at least a little something back for all that suffering. But will the televisual gods hear me? And if they do hear me, will they answer me? And if they do answer me, will I really like what they have to say?

Verdict: Oh woe is me - I feel a strong case of news neglect at the moment. 2 headlines out of 10...