The Case for Garnerasthma

There is yet another dreaded disease out there, and it appears to be spreading.

Garnerasthma is a breathing ailment named after one of its strongest sufferers, Duncan Garner, cuddly correspondent for 3 News. The poor man is forced, night after night, to front up and present political reportage, all the while needing to take large gasps of air right in the middle of his sentences, occasionally (but not often) before words of emphasis. He then has to steamroll through any full stops until he reaches the middle of the next sentence where, once again, his affliction strikes.

But the TV3 offices are small, and the contagion, once relatively confined to the Wellington bureau, is spreading. Other reporters have been heard incorrectly punctuating their speech, and even some of the glass desk imprisoned presenters have succumbed.

The problem with this condition is that it can be mistaken for plain conversation hogging. Some people take large pauses mid sentence and then carry on through the “natural” full stop that would allow those around them the chance to jump in, thereby allowing the speaker to dominate the topic of conversation and maintain their train of thought.

However, you can tell Mr Garner and his fellow “actual” sufferers by the simple fact that there is no-one else around them who will interrupt them and so they must, obviously, just be unable to control their speech patterns. I mean, why would they possibly do this deliberately, considering how it goes against the natural flow of speech, obscures any point they are trying to get across and is actually damned annoying to hear?

But then, Mr Garner does seem to be stricken by many illnesses. From time to time, he also has dissynchstripeitis, a visual condition where his shirt and tie both have a stripe pattern, but where the stripes run in different directions. While not affecting the health of the carrier, people observing this optical dissonance can expect to suffer mild nausea, and, combined with Garnerasthma, can lead to viewers reaching for their Remotidote and selecting another channel and waiting for the discomfort (and the item) to pass.

Verdict: Duncan Garner, STOP IT. STOP IT RIGHT NOW. I think someone in 3 News should stage an intervention and get him the appropriate medication because Garnerasthma is damned irritating and completely undermines the credibility of the news being reported in that I feel I am being sold something rather than intelligently informed about the state of the nation and the world, and makes me rate Garner’s performance 1 misemphasised sentence out of 5.