The Case for Book Fair Attendees

The Wellington Inner City Mission Annual Book Fair is just around the corner (the 6^th and 7^th of September), marking the end of the winter book fairs. While offering a broad selection of pre-loved literature, this is undoubtedly one of the least pleasant book fair experiences, due to the unrestrained and repetitive uses of loudspeakers and the opening morning queues that can at times spread itself around all four walls of the auditorium.

Of course, the patrons of these book fairs can add to the misery of the experience. Here then, with some assistance from another experienced book fair attendee, is a taxonomy of some of the people you may encounter at your next book fair. Mark them well, as they come with their own sets of social rules of engagement, or avoidance, in the rarified book fair atmosphere.

Amateur Attendees

Browsers

See a book. Pick it up. Read the first chapter of about 30 pages. Take about 10 minutes. Move on to the next book Stand block still while the crowd throngs around you, unable to pass by due to the proximity of the other tables. Try and avoid them, or be unashamed to “bump’ them a little.

Bulk Buyers

Opening day, and the race is on to fill the ridiculously large Two Dollar Shop bags they brought with them. Strategy: store now, sort later. They have their maps and head like hyenas towards the wounded book tables, ready to pick the carcass clean. One of the scariest of the book fair breeds. Stay out of their way, though when they sit down to try and sort their books, be sure not to give them any room.

Bulls

There is no spoon. There are no other attendees. There is just you, and the book or the table you want to get to. Be brave.

Conversers

It takes two to tango, or to have a loud and long conversation about nothing over books as those around you try and scurry by, but there are frequently those who meet over a crowded book table that decide that then and there is the perfect time and place to start a discussion about the minutiae of life. No thought is given to meeting up after books have been selected, either outside or in a café or even via the newfangled telephonic invention. This is the here and now, and for them at least, no one else exists. Until you speak up and ask them to move along. Go on.

Dilettantes

These are the poseurs of the scene, who display a staggering amount of knowledge in a huge amount of noise, but who don’t actually translate their words of action into deeds. Harmless, if mildly annoying.

Gobsmackeds

Never in this person’s life have they seen so many books. Or magazines. Or records. Or DVDs. Or people wanting to kill them for standing in the middle of the busiest thoroughfare, mouth open, for ten minutes. Treat them with pity.

Messers

I only recently noted these ones, but these are the people who will pick up the books that have been laid spine up to assist others in reading the title of the book, look at the cover, and then place the book back down on top of the other books, cover down. These people tend to do this with every book, without any consideration for those following them. While I would label their assassination justifiable homicide, any blood spilled would mess up the books.

Professionals

These are the experienced ones, who know what they are looking for and who have strategies for getting in and out with a minimum of fuss. Their book selections tend to be made with surgical precision, rather than with the (literal) broad strokes of the Bulk Buyers. Plays well with others.

Quiet Ones

The majority, looking for a book or two for their later enjoyment. Quiet ones can become vocal though, should the queues end up kilometres long. A good breed.

RelicHunters

These are the Antiques Road Show people of the book fair world, hunting for those rare objets d’art to make a fortune on. They therefore tend to be serious, determined and very, very picky. Avoid.

WithChilds

Because the crush of the first few hours of opening is not enough if it is just made up of people, some decide that their prams and pushchairs should be brought along not only to add to the morass, but also to be used as a fairly hand weapon. Children are ancillary, as noted by those parents whose children are screaming their heads off in utter boredom or bewilderment, while they themselves remain blissfully ignorant, eyes intently reading the latest Jackie Collins and ears closed through years of practice. Not to deny those with children the opportunity to search for a book or 17, but please…

Professional Attendees

Ambitious Scouts

These are the gamblers, always in the lookout for that rare first edition – to be sold for a good profit, of course.

Desperate Scouts

These are the failed book dealers in need of urgent profits. They are similar to the Grim Digs Scouts, except a bit less fussy and a much more hurried demeanour. Partly harmless.

Dishonest Scouts

The car salesmen of the book fair world, offering false advice on the chance of obtaining the book in your hand for theirs. There aren’t many of these out there, but they are around. Sometimes, they are not even professionals but just unscrupulous amateurs. Keep an eye out.

Grim Digs Scouts

Be careful of these ones – they are on a mission, and the ridges on their forehead let you know it. They will get the best condition, most easily sellable books delete over your dead body, should there be any possible doubt over who claimed the book first. Hold your ground.

Hobby Scouts

These are the happy-go-lucky kind, who wander around with smiles on their faces but a list in their hand, and who will offer friendly opinions on your selection in a fairly unobtrusive way. Mostly harmless.

Junk Merchants Scouts

Finding fools gold in them thar books.

The Volunteers

Cashier (Competent)

Either an old hand or a cool calm customer, the competent cashier is a blessing for those waiting in line. While this person can be assisted by a competent organiser, in and of themselves, they are able to total up the cost of your purchases and get you through the checkout in about a minute.

Cashier (Harried)

I won’t use “incompetent cashier”, because they are all volunteers so I think it is unfair to label them such. So I will stick to the “harried cashier” title, denoting those who have just lost the plot, either by being un-ably assisted by other cashiers or organisers, having forgotten basic counting and arithmetic skills, or being assaulted by faulty technology. One may feel sorry for them, unless one has been waiting in line for an hour due to their bungling.

Tea Ladies

Bless them, these people make the whole book fair world go around. Women or men who grease the wheels of the machine, with cups of tea and the odd biscuit.

The Organiser

The only time one really notices the organiser is when they are doing a bad job. Usually, the official organiser tends to fade into the “tea ladies” category, but when they surgically attach microphones to their mouths and decide the chaos of the book fair needs to be made more chaotic through “helpful” bulletins that are about 10 minutes out of date, they become more pronounced. And unappreciated.

Well, these are the ones I know of. Are there any others you may have spotted in your book fair adventures? Let me know!