The Case for Categorising Music

A while ago on 91ZM (yes, I do admit to listening to it), the morning crew published a list of the 10 gayest songs.

Which got me to thinking. What would be included on the 10 whitest pop songs (besides “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round the Old Oak Tree” or anything by the Carpenters)? The 10 greenest? The 10 blackest? The top 10 transsexual? The 10 straightest?

I am not going to tackle any of those. No, I thought I would tackle a different sort of list: the 10 Current(ish) Most Covertly Satanic Songs, starting with:

1) My Heart Will Go On (Celine Dion)

It’s sung by Celine Dion and so there are instant warning signs there. But this one is all about immortality and putting Jack before the joys of heaven. That’s not just your brain melting as Celine hits the high notes – it’s Lucifer redecorating.

2) Since You’ve Been Gone (Kelly Clarkson)

Read the subtext: this song encourages you to embrace newfound freedom by casting aside Jesus and following the egotistical path of selfishness – and to Hades

3) Who Painted the Moon Black (Hayley Westenra)

Well, Satan did of course.

4) Slice of Heaven (Dave Dobbyn)

Classic Kiwi black anthem, encouraging the defacing of the pearly gates for ones own benefit.

5) Unbreak My Heart (Toni Braxton)

Not only did this song unleash the concept of “unbreak” upon the non-English speaking world (have you tried to explain what it means to a non-anglophile?), but this is a song that, if you read between the lines, says that the Lord will abandon you. Reach for the razor blades: there is only one, dark way out.

6) I Want It That Way (Backstreet Boys)

“You are my fire / my one desire”. Putting an icon before the Lord has never been more boy bandy.

7) Crazy Frog

A given really.

8) Bob the Builder

Bob can’t fix it. Only the Lord can. And perhaps Chuck Norris.

9) It’s Too Late (New Republic & Timberland)

It’s never too late to apologise and to turn towards the light. That is the dark side talking. Plus the lead singer is obviously being tortured in the song’s music video, screaming as he is with the barbs of Beelzebub on his butt.

10)

Well, what do you think should make number 10? Or do you have a list of your own to contribute? Leave your comments and let me know…

Verdict: Grouping music by a theme is pretty pointless, but can be quite fun too – especially when having to justify one’s choices. 6 out of 10 on the “way to pass the time in traffic” scale.